The Return of the Whiteway Girls

Long ago when I was a child I used to play with the other girls on Whiteway Drive, where I lived.  When we got together, big plans ensued, because someone would  always  have an inspiration. Why don’t we all get our Barbie stuff and play on Jane’s patio? Why don’t we get umbrellas and pretend we’re on The Avengers? Why don’t we play Miss America, or gin rummy? Why don’t we play hide and seek after dark? Often my younger sister Ellen hoped  to be included in our pursuits but as I recall, in my rarified spot as the oldest sister, I forbade her from coming any closer than three sidewalk squares of any spot occupied by my friends or myself.  In time we all grew up. Some of us lost touch. Three of us moved away.

In all, five of us stayed in touch in various combinations, but we were never together at the same time. We were adults now and life was happening to us: careers, relationships, children. Also children, children, and children. In the last few years I found myself saying what fun it would be to rent a house somewhere and have us all come. No kids. No spouses, no responsibilities.

I don’t want to admit  that it took one of us becoming  gravely  ill to force us out of just SAYING  we should get together to YES. WE WILL GET TOGETHER. But it’s true. This spring, after our friend Jane  was well on the way to recovery, we began to plan in earnest. Texts and emails flew back and forth. Our eyes burned from scrolling through VRBO listings. But we did choose a place: Asheville, North Carolina, and booked the dates.

Five of us were to attend: Mary, Jane, Mary Beth – that’s me, Gayle, and Ellen. Mary and Jane are sisters. Ellen and I are sisters. On the appointed day I flew into Greensboro and was met by my trusty companion, Ellen. Luckily for me, Ellen nursed no grudge about having NEVER been included in our games as a child- oh, come on, she had kids her own age to play with- but she shared a little trepidation about this inaugural trip. Her concern was that she had never spent much time with Mary while growing up, because Mary is  like, even two more years older than I am. She hoped they would hit it off. I too had a valid concern. What if these girls were  drinkers of CHEAP WINE??? That would be INTOLERABLE!girls trip 2015-59

Despite these small worries, we made it to Asheville in good spirits, and as it happened, with several bottles of wine, chosen by moi, to share. Jane and Mary had  arrived first, and no doubt emboldened by imbibing some of their own wine, had boldly chosen the main bedroom for themselves. Was that OK with us, they asked. Certainly, the other three of us replied. We had carefully chosen a house with three private bedrooms and three private baths. There would be no turf wars here!girls trip 2015-2

girls trip 2015-3After deciding upon our sleeping arrangements we ventured down our mountain into downtown Asheville. Parking took awhile because each one of us had her own ideas about how and where to park, but eventually we were prowling the downtown streets with the efficiency of five disinterested cats. We approached restaurant after restaurant, read their menus and at least one of us would say, “Let’s keep walking.” “Let’s go here,” I suggested finally, winning the prize for having the first inspiration of the evening. We ducked into Zambra, which was reputed to have good tapas and drinks.

While waiting for a table, we gathered at the “confessional”. Enough said.girls trip 2015-82We each picked something to drink, I don’t recall what, and had a merry time until we were escorted to our lovely romantic table in the courtyard. girls trip 2015-87Dinner was a series of small plates. Everyone seemed satisfied  with their choices. We were a perfectly happy group of old ladies. Our trip was off to a capital start.

The next day we attended the The Big Crafty Fair, followed by dinner at the Tupelo Honey Cafe.

girls trip 2015-83

They had me at AC!

girls trip 2015-85Or maybe not, because at some point we stopped in at the Book Exchange and Champagne Bar. Surveying the many nooks and crannies of the store I  could not help but wish my companions would indulge me in just one more game of hide and seek.

You know you could hide behind those chairs. And beyond them, a bookcase to the second floor!

You know you could hide behind those chairs. And beyond them, a bookcase to the second floor!

Oh well. I amused myself by taking pictures of my companions for a fictional dossier. I had to make use of all the scoop I’d had on these girls all these years!

Fact: They had more Barbie stuff than I did.

Fact: They had more Barbie stuff than I did. And they still wear matching outfits.

Fact: Her Mother used to buy Coke AND Koolaid! Lucky duck!

Fact: Her Mother used to buy Coke AND Koolaid! Lucky duck!

And our bill came in a Dr. Seuss book!

And our bill came in a Dr. Seuss book!

Monday we hit the River Arts District, where a couple of us found things we just had to have.

These ladies wanted to go home with Ellen.

These ladies wanted to go home with Ellen.

girls trip 2015-11

Should we tell this man to use the inside facilities?

Should we tell this man to use the inside facilities?

We agreed.

We agreed.

This I found beautiful, but it was not for sale.

This I found beautiful, but it was not for sale.

The dossier continues. Fact: This little lady and her friend Sandra ate All the candy I had planned to serve at my slumber party, and had NO REMORSE!

The dossier continues. Fact: This little lady and her friend Sandra ate All the candy I had planned to serve at my slumber party, and had NO REMORSE!

Fact: I never even TOLD the other ladies that Ellen hung her footies to dry on the light fixture. That's loyalty.

Fact: I never even TOLD the other ladies that Ellen hung her footies to dry on the light fixture. That’s loyalty.

I’m thinking we stayed home that night and enjoyed some delicious vegetables from Ellen’s garden. girls trip 2015-51What was our dinner conversation? It was about how powerful we all are! We added up the combined years of our marriages, and of our motherhood. I can’t remember the numbers, but they were large! We marveled at how once upon a time we made pretend Barbie families, but now our lives were  completely real. Each one of us had buried a parent, tended sick family members, and faced personal disappointments. But dang it, here we were watching the sun set over the mountains, happy to be supporting one another.girls trip 2015-92girls trip 2015-57

Our feelings of power led to a rollicking game of “Catch Phrase” and I confess I have no pictures of that. Early Tuesday Gayle had to leave us because her mom was being released from the hospital. We were sad to see her go, but glad that she, as  the main caretaker of her elderly mother, had been able to join us at all. We knew how lucky we were.

After she left, Ellen tried to cheer us all up by suggesting we work a  “very easy” 250 piece  puzzle. Like the Little Red Hen, she started on it by herself and soon had it worked mostly all wrong. She thought maybe some puzzle pieces were missing, or that two puzzles were mixed up in the same box, but no..she had just done it wrong. It seemed that all the puzzle pieces were the same size and the same shape. Each piece held a word or a definition, and the two had to match correctly. Let me tell you, even the librarian among us did not know most of these vocabulary words. Eventually we all joined in the puzzle, each in our own way denouncing the mean spirited folks who could have invented such a deceptive device.

After a time we left the puzzle and went into town for some shopping and a Mediterranean lunch.girls trip 2015-89

But when we returned, there was the puzzle, mocking us silently. Thankfully Mary took the lead, gently insisting that Ellen move connected sections one piece at a time instead of brazenly shoving them across the table. I think the two of them made a good connection indeed.

Fact: I wouldn't have had the patience for this in 1968.

Fact: I wouldn’t have had the patience for this in 1968.

Finally, the thing was complete, and we could hit our normal old lady bedtimes with a sense of accomplishment. But first, a little more relaxing on the porch.girls trip 2015-96 The next morning we parted ways: Mary and Jane to Charlotte, Ellen and I to Winston Salem, where I would spend the night before returning  to Memphis.girls trip 2015-67Ellen’s husband had a lovely al fresco dinner waiting for us, and as we ate we reviewed the success of the first getaway of the Whiteway girls. We dreamed it, and we did it. All the coming year no matter what happens, we will savor our new memories. Any thoughts on where we should go next year?

A sad goodbye at the airport.

A sad goodbye at the airport.

Friendship Foreclosure

Life buzzes along. Each day my goal is to be aware of the individual moments that make it up. And while I am busy noticing and aware- ifying, the segments of life as I have known them rearrange themselves, usually without my noticing. Just as soon as I tell myself what a good place I am in, a new set of circumstances sweeps in, not necessarily bad ones, but different ones. Sometimes life doesn’t give me time to reflect on what has changed until years later when I am struck by a sudden new alignment of past events in my brain, leading me to a different perspective than before.

A while back I saw this sign:IMG_2193

I don’t know what it says about me that I read “Friend Foreclosure.” Try just glancing at it quickly and maybe that is what you will see. No? Oh, I guess it was just me. I laughed at my mistake  at the time but the phrase “Friend Foreclosure” stayed with me.

In the last few years I have become accustomed to seeing foreclosed properties  all over town. In a subdivision such as mine an unmoved yard, a flowerbed full of  leggy weeds and  piled up newspapers are unmistakeable signs of an abandoned home. If one takes a few steps closer to the vacant house, the empty rooms can be seen through the windows of the very doors that used to welcome family and friends. One house in our neighborhood was not only abandoned but also left unlocked. With a group of neighbors I made a creepy, surreptitious tour of the house, noticing the rain damage where the window had been left open, the sagging lattice work pergola in the backyard, and the boxes of personal papers the occupants had left in their master bathroom. As we closed the front door carefully behind us, we all wondered what could have happened to this family.

Friendships have some similarities to homes. Both can  be considered expressions of a person’s personality. Just as we furnish a living room to our taste, we desire certain qualities in the people we spent our time with. We can put a little or a lot of time into  a property but certain tasks must be accomplished if the home or building is to meet our needs. Friendships too, cannot meet the participants’ needs without some investment by humans. And like houses, friendships can look one way on the outside but be just the opposite on the inside. Only those who open the door know what is inside.

For example, would you have expected to see THIS in my house?

For example, would you have expected to see THIS in my house?

And like real estate, a friendship can be foreclosed upon for a variety of reasons.  Sometimes we realize the friendship is upside down, that no matter how much we put into it, it will always be a  losing proposition, that its value will never appreciate. Maybe we didn’t “see” the flaws, that the structure was fundamentally flawed when we entered the friendship.   We make the painful decision to cut our losses and walk away sooner, not later.  It hurts to know that the person we invested in cannot return our friendship.

Sometimes we foreclose because  although there might be some value in the friendship  for us, we are just not able or willing to pay the “note” that would be expected.  Earlier in life for me that could actually have been connected to money, in that I have sometimes had very little disposable income and literally could not keep up the socializing that my childless friends could. So I let go. Other situations where I have let go have involved a choice between the friendship and my own values; the values won.  Life is too short for me to spend time with couples who bicker all evening, or husbands with entitled attitudes, or in conversations with those who spew political venom instead of having a civil discourse. Am I picky? Maybe.

Do I look picky to you?

Do I look picky to you?

It is definitely hard to make and keep friends as an adult. As I review the foreclosure list I come upon the category of the mutual foreclosure, where both of us simply let too much time go by. Like a homeowner facing eviction, we each fell so far “behind” that we couldn’t catch up. On my  my part I regret these times, and wish I had tried harder to keep in contact, that I had not been so overwhelmed with life that I became careless with my friends. There are a few people I still think about, wish well, and hope they can forgive my lack of attention.

They say that each person has a social blueprint which determines his  relationship style. Since I am thinking about this so much, I guess I need to figure out mine. At every age there can be reasons why we don’t have time to keep up with friends or to make new ones. But what I know is that at 57 years old I don’t have a lot of real estate I am wanting to walk away from. Perhaps I have walked away from too much already.

Here's an oldie but a goodie I would work to keep.

Here’s an oldie but a goodie I would work to keep.

I want to enter the next stages of my life with my friendships as solid as old homesteads, showing some wear, but full of character. Some flaws I will keep simply in honor what all we have lived through together. But at the same time I want to be open to constructing new friendships. I vow never to become so old I cannot  value the riches found in getting to know another person. So if I come across someone who is willing to loyally put up with my nerdy pursuits and sense of humor, just as I do theirs, I just may be in the market!

How about you? Any foreclosure stories?